This Or Prozac: Recent Comments

Comment on Use of Metaphor - 1

2010-02-17T03:34:54Z

Thanks! I got a nice reference points of how to "organize" my own life into files of priority and realize we all have bags of rocks around our legs to contend with.
Sometimes we think we are the only ones with problems, this gets to the core of how we humans are alike, but yet different which is a blessing. I think we begin to realize the enormity of our world seems overwhemlming at times; yet others also are trying to swim to the top and be free of stress and responsibility that pulls them down.
We can rise about it...and should always try rather through counseling or serious communication with loved ones who wish to help you overcome!

Comment on Check out my interview on Fox News Channel

2010-02-13T00:01:14Z

Matt is funny, smart, handsome and very entertaining! Should have his own dating show.

Comment on GETTING TO ZERO

2010-01-02T02:30:30Z

oooooooooooo

Comment on GETTING TO ZERO

2009-01-12T17:56:07Z

Actually, while they may not work for everyone, they generally work for me. I really enjoy spending time by myself - I am very protective of my personal boundaries. I tend to have two different kinds of friends. Those with whom I share many confidences and sensitive information, are not involved in my daily life (are not neighbors and do not live nearby). On the other hand, I have more superficial relationships with people I see daily, who live nearby, have kids that my kids play with, etc. I definitely compartmentalize relationships as a way of protecting myself and maintaining a feeling of being safe.

My best friends who are also involved in my daily life tend to be quite like me. The friendships have evolved slowly and over many years, and it's understood that the friendships maintain a certain balance. When I feel a friendship is becoming unbalanced (too demanding), I do pull away.

Yes, I do equate emotional closeness with conflict and pain. I don't like to put myself in a position of depending on others because it gives someone else the option of not following through (or hurting me).

I don't know. The question was, does this all work for me? It may. I definitely don't find myself dissatisfied with the manner in which I have structured my life, mostly because I have done the structuring, and where it doesn't work for someone else, that's okay with me. I have definitely had friends who have wanted different types of friendships, and I haven't been able to offer that; just as I've wanted certain friendships from others, such as that old classmate I looked up, who didn't really have an interest in reconnecting.

What is important to me is the balance, and yes, the lack of tempest and conflict. Too much of that growing up.

The one thing that makes me unhappy at the moment is knowing that with my parent, there is no solution that does not cause pain. I keep trying to figure out the least hurtful way to have a relationship, and I keep coming up with "no contact", but that just exchanges one kind of distress (daily physical interaction) for another (guilt).

Comment on GETTING TO ZERO

2009-01-08T16:43:03Z

Two thoughts. First, the flip of the exercise isn't about what you think they would say but rather about how they actually treat you. In other words, it's "I am xx degree of reliable/emotionally honest/demonstrative to [parent/friend/lover]" then "[parent/friend/lover] is xx degree of reliable/emotionally honest/demonstrative to me." It's an examination of behavior, not internal state.

Second, I think you're on to making a good connection between past experience - closeness=pain - and current efforts to distance yourself from close relationships. Ultimately, of course, the question is: are these arms-length, non-conflictive, un-enmeshed relationships working for you?

Comment on GETTING TO ZERO

2009-01-08T00:29:48Z

I am examining my relationship with an estranged parent. The target/bullseye exercise was interesting. I first did the exercise from my perspective, finding out that even though I know I distanced myself significantly from my parent in recent years, it emotionally feels like I continued to have demonstrative contact with my parent over and above what I felt was within my means. That is, I didn't call my parent, but I answered their calls ... they could call 8 times a day, but I always answered and called back that day. Every day.

The flip side is that I thought about the exercise in reverse, since my parent is the one trying to be closer to me these days (this parent was a non-custodial parent during the majority of my childhood). The weird thing is that I felt my parent would have answered that they were reliable, emotionally honest and demonstrative in their actions ... and still would have those answers.

Regarding my relationships with friends today, I find that while I have many friends, they are of a somewhat limited nature. While I would run out at midnight in a heartbeat to help a neighbor in trouble, I am very wary of a neighbor who might call upon me, for example, more than twice in a month to watch their kids in an 'emergency' - and might see myself immediately start to distance myself from that person after that.

I do see that it's a pattern evolving from having a long-term relationship with a needy long-distance parent. I am wary of being at the beck and call of anyone else in this lifetime.

Equally, I hate asking for favors from people, because I hate feeling obligated to return the favor. Not that I wouldn't ever gladly return the favor, I just hate feeling obligated. Once when we had illness in the family, and had a meal delivered from a neighbor, I washed and returned their dishes with a meal right back to them. I remember them being stunned that we did this, but I couldn't just return their empty dishes. It was my way of discharging that horrible feeling of obligation.

Other than these situations which I recognize, I'd say I have good relationships with 99% of people in my life, if only because I hate conflict.

Comment on Managing Anxiety - 7

2008-09-21T12:57:44Z

We talk in later sessions about how he metaphorizes animals (dogs specifically). This session was about giving him a tool to manage stress. One of the central problems with anxiety is that, until you've cooled it off, it's really difficult to even have the kind of thoughts you're mentioning. To my experience, emotion can overwhelm thought; intellectual interpretations - e.g. "the baby flamingos are me" - can be helpful after your feelings have cooled to the point where you can think them through.

Comment on Managing Anxiety - 7

2008-09-19T20:54:13Z

I think he was talking about himself (the poor flamingos and abandoned dogs). you switched it to a meaningless attribution of "stress". I think he's trying to tell you how he feels.

Comment on I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WANT (DON'T I?)

2007-11-29T17:50:21Z

I'm going to give you a general answer because the specifics of how you manage acceptance is particular to you - meaning, if you're having trouble working through it on your own, you might think about talking to a therapist to help you through this process.

In general - and I can't speak in your case here - there are two steps to take in zeroing a relationship. First, there's separating your issues from her behavior. Forget about her for a moment; do YOU have issues in general with people ignoring you? With feeling invisible? Not heard? Etc. Given where your feelings are at this point and your difficulty letting this go, it may be that this relationship with your sister is a focal point for long-buried issues related to, say, parental detachment when you were growing up. Identifying your place in your feelings is the first step. The second is forgiveness - forgiving her for being who she is and doing what she does and forgiving yourself for the same. If you find that your feelings generalize beyond your sister, meaning similar behavior from other people sets you off in similar ways, then view your sister as an opportunity because, when you can finally approach her and feel at peace, you'll know something larger within you has been healed.

Comment on I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WANT (DON'T I?)

2007-11-29T17:48:34Z

ok. I am on board with everything you are saying. How do I start again with her with a new perspective on my end? You are right-she is saying this is who I am and I will not change. Now it is up to me. How do I start? She did not respond to the letter I wrote her over 3 months ago. But I don't want to just call her and fall right back into our old patterns. This is what typically happens I give into the relationship, it works for awhile, then, she doesn't give back = resentment. This relationship is so unfulfilling on my end it is almost like I have to "fake it" when I am around her. Almost "pretend" or just "get through" our visits. That is just gross on my end. I know I am probably driving you crazy, but what new behavior can I do to manage my feelings with her? How can a start a new way of "being" with my sister? I slower easier way to reconnect? I don't even think we can have a cup of coffee together at this point.
How do people have healthy relationships with those who detach? Is it even possible? Detachers are letting go so...maybe I let go too?? Are detached people narcissistic? She does not seem to have a lot of empathy for anyone really. It would feel bad on my end to stop talking to my sister, but I just don't like her (did I ever like her?? or did I tell myself I did just to have a big sister). oh help! please advise!!!