“This is the right thing to do.”

“I just made a terrible choice.”

“Why did I do that? That was dumb!”

“I think this is the best thing for me.”

One character of decision-making is that we tend to place judgment on potential outcomes or courses of action, i.e. “good” and “bad” decisions; “right” and “wrong” choices. Judging decision-making all seems to be a natural part of a logical process: we think things through and make a behavior choice – the “best” decision – by thinking things through and coming up with a binary, black-and-white world of right/wrong/good/bad.

But good or bad, right or wrong for what, exactly? Is it the “right” thing to do or the thing you’re going to do regardless but using “right” to justify your behavior? Does “good” really mean “easy” and “bad” mean “frightening”? Is “right” equivalent to “I’m in control” and “wrong” equal to “someone else is in control”?

So one problem with judging potential courses of action is that the core basis for your judgment often goes unexamined. By labeling it, you don’t have to really understand it. What you’re judging, really, is your own logic, and you act as if that logic is somehow objective. It’s not, of course; it’s serving something – avoiding what you fear.

MY LIFE AS A TRANSISTOR

Another problem is that we often reduce our choices to two because the other choices are just too messy to think about. Binary choices, which leave out a host of other choices, make us feel somehow in control, as if the distillation means we’ve thought through all courses of action and look – just two left! And, conveniently, I want to do one and not the other! One’s “right” and one’s “wrong”! It can feel overwhelming to pick through a host of complicated alternatives, and “this choice just feels right” can be a very soothing balm to all that confusion.

BUT, WAIT, AREN’T SOME CHOICES BINARY?

No. But many choices have the ILLUSION of seeming binary. In fact, there are – depending on where you are in your personal growth – a minimum of three solutions to every problem: the right or good one, the wrong or bad one, and the one you simply don’t want to think about. Try replacing “good” with “safe” and “bad” with “scary” and you will begin to get a sense of what those judgments are really servicing.

But binary logic can feel very compelling and not like a trap at all. One way to know you’re getting stuck in a binary choice is that binary choices generally reduce down to one confrontational/active component and one non-confrontational/passive component. For example, “I’m sick of the way mom is treating me. I’m either going to confront her about it or cut my contact with her to almost nothing.” Confront or end it – that’s binary.

Another problem is that we tend to draw causal relationships between feelings and solutions. “I’m unhappy at work. I need to either quit my job or ask my boss for a raise.” Of course, maybe you need to do neither. For example, maybe you’re unhappy at work and unhappy in your love life and unhappy with a family relationship and your unhappiness is internal and has nothing to do with work. Thus, in this example, neither quitting your job nor getting raise would solve your problem because your binary solution is unrelated to the true problem. But the binary solution SEEMS related – and that’s the trap.

So what’s a more effective way to make decisions?

REMOVE JUDGMENT

Decisions don’t need to be justified; they need to be thought through. Instead of good/bad/right/wrong, look at it this way: there are no right or wrong decision; there are only actions and their consequences. And those actions and consequences service something within you – fear and desire.

DETERMINE WHAT DRIVES YOUR CHOICES

Choices operate on a continuum. At one end are choices based on desire; at the other end are choices based on fear. They can be difficult to distinguish because fear often couches itself in the language of desire. Just because your statement starts with “I want” doesn’t mean you’re operating out of desire. Example:

“My ex and I have a country house. Our relationship has been over for a year and we’ve moved on (well, my ex has at least and I tell myself I have). We bought the country house when we were together, and my ex and my ex’s new relationship invited me up to it for the weekend. It makes me sick and sad to think of going. I know I shouldn’t. But, well, we’re selling the house and I really want to go up there and make sure that they don’t take stuff I want. So maybe I really should go. Yeah, I’m probably gonna go.”

So, if you go, are you going out of fear or desire? In your logic: You’re just going to keep an eye on your property. And maybe it’s time for you to see your ex with the new relationship so you can face that feeling and move on, right? And, hey, it’s your house too – why shouldn’t you go? Anyway, it’ll be nice to get out of town for the weekend.

No.

You need to pick apart your logic. Here’s how: Replace “I want” and “I should” and other similar phrases with what you believe is going to happen if you DON’T do what you think you should or want to do. Replace “I want” with “I’m afraid if I don’t [fill in action] then [blah blah blah will happen].”

So, instead of “I should go to the country house with my ex & ex’s new relationship,” try “I’m afraid if I don’t go to the country house with my ex and my ex’s new relationship then…” Then what will happen? Then they’ll get all the good stuff! “I’m afraid that, if my ex and the new relationship get all the good stuff then…” Then I’ll be cut out of my fair share. “I’m afraid that if I’m cut out of my fair share then…” Then they’ll have more and better than I do. “I’m afraid if my ex has more and better then…” Then it will mean my hold on my ex is slipping, that my ex doesn’t need me. “I’m afraid if my hold on my ex starts slipping then…” Then I’ll feel like a zero, a nothing, a hopeless loser, unloveable. “I’m afraid that if I’m a nothing and unloveable then…” I don’t exist.

Once you see that your logic is based is fear, you need to really think loooooooooong and hard about whether or not you want to live your life out of fear of being nothing. The truly horrible thing is that, when you make choices out of fear, you end up getting exactly what you were trying to avoid. Is there any way that spending a weekend in a country with your ex and your ex’s new relationship is going to make you feel like anything other than nothing?

You might not be able to get all the way to the bottom, to the true, core fear (“I don’t exist”), but, if you can even go a little bit of the way, you can know you’re operating out of fear no matter how much it sounds like desire, no matter how logical your reasoning seems, and make a behavior decision depending on how you want to lead your life.

By contrast to fear, desire’s answer to what will happen if you don’t get what you want is simply that you won’t have it. Let’s start with a biggie - “I’m afraid that if I don’t have the love of my ex in my life then…” Then I guess I won’t have the love of my ex in my life. Oh well. I want it, but if I don’t get it, then that’s the only consequence. Not, “If I don’t get it then I’ll be [devastated, a zero, a raging loon, etc.]”

To determine if the issue you’re dealing with is based on desire, replace the judgment/”I want”/”I should” with “I want to be a person who…” “I want to be a person who spends a weekend in the country house with the ex and the ex’s new relationship.” Uh, no. “I want to be a person who gets stuff from the country house.” No. “I want to be someone who has a loving relationship.” Yes.

Fear takes the specific and generalizes it (“If I don’t have the love of my ex then that will prove I’m unloveable AND I’LL NEVER BE LOVED.”); desire disconnects the specific from the general (“Not having the love of my ex does not equal not having love at all; there’s plenty to be had elsewhere.) With desire-based choices, you may be, for example, saddened if you don’t get what you want; with fear-based choices, you’re crippled if you don’t get what you want.

PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE

Here’s how you break it down. First, what’s the issue; in the above example, “weekend with ex.” Second, is it fear or desire? Third, what are the consequences of your binary choices (as these will lead you to your fears)?

Then here’s how you build it back up. First, what do you want, big picture in terms of this issue? Second, what are the ways you can get that desire? Third, what are you going to do? Example:

“Every time I see mom, she talks about my weight, and I hate it. I’ve told her to quit bugging me about it, but she won’t stop. So I’ve now reached the point where I’m either going to have a major confrontation with her or cut off basically all contact.”

Break it down.

What’s the issue?: Talking to mom about my weight.

Fear or desire?: “I want to be someone who can’t have my mother talk about my weight.” Sounds like fear.

Action/Consequence 1: “I’m afraid that if I don’t confront my mother then…” Then it will confirm (in my head at least) that she has no respect for me, and, if she has no respect for me then I’ll blah blah blah etc. etc. Sounds like fear.

Action/Consequence 2: “I’m afraid that if I don’t cut off all contact with my mother then…” Then I’ll be reduced to a screaming, helpless ball? Then I’ll only be able to view myself as a hideous, fat pig? And if that’s true, then… etc. Sounds like fear.

Time to rebuild.

Desired outcome: “I want to be someone who has a strong relationship with mom.” That sounds good. “I want to be someone who is capable of setting boundaries.” That also sounds good.

Possible course of action:

Confront mom – that seems to end in fear.

Do nothing – that seems to end in fear.

What’s the thing I really don’t want to do? How about “lose control of the outcome”? Confronting mom will wind up in a huge fight whereby I’ll feel justified in cutting her off – that’s me trying to control the outcome. Cutting her off is also me controlling the outcome. In fact, cutting her off seems to be what I want to do because she’s reflecting back at me something I hate about myself. So what’s my third course of action, the one I could take in which the outcome is uncertain? Well, I could be vulnerable and share with her how sad I am that we’re not closer; I could take responsibility for the fact that I’ve created a relationship with her where she can’t feel free to speak her mind; etc. In other words, I could have a whole vulnerable talk where I might get hurt and rejected, i.e. where I have no control over the outcome.

So beneath “I want mom to quit bugging me about my weight” lurks a fear of loss of control – of self-control. “When mom talks about my weight, I lose it; I’ve put control over my emotions in mom’s hands. I hate it, and I’m blaming her for it.” The problem isn’t mom; YOU’RE the one who gave her control. Thus, the problem, in this example, is your own boundaries. You can choose an action based on who you want to be in this moment – a vulnerable, attempted-relationship-strengthening groping boundary-setter or a controlling, angry, closed-off crazy person.

At the bottom of good/bad/right/wrong, below binary choices, is something relating back to you. The circumstance is triggering a fear. “Good” or “right” decisions mean decisions that allow you to avoid the fear; “bad” or “wrong” decisions or are swirling near the fear or are there to justify the fear-based good/right decision (having there be a “wrong” decision is very helpful in making the “right,” i.e. fear-based one). Remember, there are only choices and their consequences. Choices are based somewhere between fear and desire. By choosing desire – by reaching for what you want regardless of whether or not you think you’ll get it – you’re choosing you.