“I’m angry that my friend just blew me off – anyone would be.”

“Yeah yeah, it’s great that this project is happening, but now look at how much work I have to do.”

“I’m getting married, and I’ve never been this stressed.”

We often think that the way we react to a given circumstance is somehow a set in stone. "These idiots completely screwed up my project, everything's out of whack, I just lost my best employee - of course I'm stressed out!" We normalize the stress, using the situation to justify the feeling and, subsequently, the behavior. However, your reaction is a CHOICE, not a given, and you actually have other choices.

This isn't to say that some situations don't induce anger, frustration, or stress. Rather, once those feelings arise, you have a vast choice in what you do next. Do you sit there and bad-mouth people to your friends? Spin a situation over and over in your head? Talk about how bad future problems are going to be because this present-day problem screwed everything up? Those are all choices.

SO WHAT ARE MY OTHER CHOICES?

How about, "This totally sucks that those idiots screwed this up. But, God, I love what I do, and I'll figure out a way to make this okay." or "You know what? They made a mistake. I guess my options are more limited than they were. That bums me out. But I had no control over the situation, so I'm just going to sit here and make the best of the options I have and enjoy myself. The payoff for me, the pleasure I get from doing the work, still overrides the displeasure I get from some of the people I work with and some of the decisions they make."

Your reaction to a situation is determined by your emotional state when you go into that situation. In other words, THE SITUATION HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR EMOTIONS. For example, if your reaction to a given situation is anger, it’s because you’re angry about something else to begin with. You then carry over that emotional state to everything in your life. It’s your go-to. You, therefore, have outsized reactions to a given situation; your meter is off. You lose a sense of how [angry, stressed, crazy] you should be. The way to determine the validity of your emotions – and your subsequent behavior and feelings – is, first, to look at where you start.

EMOTIONAL SET-POINTS

Are you easy to anger? To stress? To cry? Or are you a slow burn but once you go, you GO? Ask yourself, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being highest, where your general emotional state is. Are you more or less a constant 7?

What happens is that you start high and your emotions spiral higher and higher until you lose all sense of logic and just feel your [rage, frustration, fear]. Example:

ORIGINAL ANGER BASELINE: 5 (you’re not always anger, but anger’s really easy for you to access; you have a range from irritation to blind rage)

1. You make an internet date with someone - a total stranger.

2. They blow you off.

3. You get angry. You feel judged. You feel used, played. You just lost your Saturday night!

BASELINE RESET: For a person with, say, a baseline of 1 for anger, they might jump to a 3, a 30% increase in anger – it’s irksome to be blown off! You, however, started at 5. Your anger level with this person is now 6.5 – you’re pretty angry.

4. You send them a note about how you waited for them and they didn't show.

5. They don’t respond. Wow, that’s really rude. A non-angry person might feel a 2 – the other person is sending a message you don’t want to hear but oh well; this is a rude person you’re dealing with so why get pissed? But not you. You’ve just added 20% to your 6.5. Now you’re up to a 7.8!

6. A few days later, they respond with a legitimate-sounding excuse. This, perhaps, drops your anger back down to a 6 or 6.5. You’ve now been heard; maybe, just maybe, they had a real crisis. A non-angry person, by the way, would be around 1 (or would have moved on entirely).

7. You, however, have a whole little drama in your head about what you're going to write back. The reason for this drama, of course, is that you’re ANGRY.

8. You decide to be open but a little punitive (not that you phrase it to yourself that way but it's what you email back).

9. They don't respond to your note.

10. Now you're really upset - Fuck them! You’ve just added another, say, 20% to your anger. Back to your 7.8.

REALITY CHECK

This person is a total stranger you met on the internet, a totally disconnected, impersonal space. Why are you so mad?!?! Your anger is at a level as if you’d been betrayed by your best friend. A 7.8 because some douche you don’t even know is rude and a bad communicator?

When you overreact from the start, each subsequent event compounds the previous until you’re totally out of control. Your start point level determines how much personal meaning you attribute to the other person's actions. If your start point is a 1, you’re never going to really be that upset by the other person. If it’s a 5, you’re half mad to begin with.

If the behavior of a total stranger feels personal, look within! Why is it so personal – what’s that about? What were you drawn to in them - what did you project - that's making you so upset? Irritation at standing around and losing your Saturday night? Sure. Anger, resentment, feeling judged, maybe sadness ("I really had hopes for this one!") - no. Those feelings have nothing to do with this total stranger and everything to do with your own feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth.

One way to determine reality is to ask yourself, “If this had happened to a friend and not to me, what levels would I say were normal?” Maybe a 3 or 4 when you’re standing in the bar, a 2 or 3 when you're firing off the note, and a 0 or 1 by the next day? If your levels are above those you'd think standard for a friend, then you instantly know the issue is about you - which is freeing, because it takes the power back from a total stranger and puts it onto you.

SO HOW DO I LOWER MY EMOTIONAL SET-POINT?

There are two basic ways: identify the fear or find the joy (or both of course).

The first way, identifying the fear, is easy to say and torturous to do (and is where therapy can really help). It means recognizing that your emotions are entirely about YOU and parsing out what you’re really feeling. “I create situations where I have unrealistic expectations of people who then go on to disappoint me. I do this in lieu of forming real relationships because I’m afraid to be vulnerable with people. My anger offers me an excuse to avoid connecting for real because I’ll find some flaw in the other person that will make me angry. My anger, in other words, keeps me protected.”

The second way, finding the joy, allows for a reduction is your emotional level. As you’re feeling your anger, add (in the above example), “I’m really happy that I’m reaching out and trying to connect with someone. And there’s something kind of hilarious and fun about the bizarreness of internet dating. Plus, what the hell – I’m telling the universe what I what.” That reminder of your own joy, that you’re getting something of the overall process even if it’s not so great right in this moment, will lower your emotional state. Remind yourself that you’re doing this for YOU.

BUT WHAT IF I CAN’T FIND THE JOY?

If you can't genuinely can’t find the joy, if you repeat a situation over and over that only makes you miserable, then that means you're doing whatever you’re doing out of fear of stopping. Complete the sentence, "I'm afraid is I stop doing this, then…" What will happen? People will think I'm a loser? I'll be nothing? I'll have no means to prove to others that I'm valuable? I’ll be alone? I’ll be empty?

Don’t forget – “doing” also means “doing nothing.” Inaction IS action. The same thing applies; find the joy in your inaction or look for the fear that prevents you from acting.

One of the hardest things to grapple with is that your emotions entirely about you and not about other people. But there's enormous power in that recognition because, while you have zero control over changing anyone else, you have absolute control over changing yourself. Be grateful for the recognition, even if it's a fearful one, because that recognition means you have the power to change. (Of course, one of the reasons we blame others is that we don't want to admit the problem is ours because we're so afraid that, if it is, we'll have to change, i.e. do something we utterly fear.) Just remember, how you approach a situation is your own determination. If you're feeling stress, anger, upset, then stop and find the joy.