I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WANT (DON'T I?)
“I’m sitting here trying to pull my life together and it seems like my whole family is against me. I got into a fight with my sister yesterday. She said some really hurtful things to me, then I got angry, and then we just went at it. It always winds up this way.”
Strong emotions are reactive. They often feel active because there’s physical intensity attached to them – muscles tightening, tears, etc. They don’t feel like a defense; quite the contrary – anger, for example, can feel quite offensive. It isn’t. They aren’t. Strong emotions are the equivalent of feeling like someone’s coming at you with a sword so you beat them with your shield.
Strong emotions come as the result of our passivity on our own behalf, a passivity that we often blame on others. One of the reasons we are passive in relationships is that we often don’t know what we want from the other person. Stop letting the other person tell you who you are in a relationship. You give them all your power which, naturally, makes you angry; you think you’re angry at them for what they do or say but you’re really angry at yourself for not reaching for what you want.
DEFINE THE TRUTH
The first step here is to figure out what your current-day relationship really is. The answer may be ugly. In the above example, what do you really want from your sister? I mean really really want. You might say you want a close relationship but do you really mean, “I want a close relationship with the following strings attached and where she doesn’t say blah blah blah to me anymore.” Maybe you realize that you use fights with your sister as an excuse to go out and fuck random partners. Maybe you realize that you fight with your sister because she has behaviors that echo behaviors within yourself that you hate – and you take it all out on her. Or maybe you fight with her because you’re afraid to be intimate with any human being so you have to keep pushing everyone away including her.
Examine the truth of your relationship, what you’re really getting out of it, what’s really going on. Look closely at your own culpability and be very suspect when you find yourself blaming her for anything. In fact, go into this definitional phase assuming she’s right and you’re wrong, that she’s been giving you exactly what you want and you’ve refused to take it.
The ultimate goal is not to be REACTIVE to another person but rather ACTIVE on behalf of your own desires. Be clear with yourself about what you want from a person – get core, “I’m just in it for the money” which may lead to, “I’m angry, which I take out on her, but it’s really because my need for her money reminds me that I’m unable to rely on myself to take care of myself.” It’s easy to sit in some amorphous place where the other person “makes you [fill in feeling – angry, sad, hurt, etc.].” Remember, your feeling has nothing to do with them and is solely about you. Instead of saying, “My sister makes me mad,” look in the mirror and say, “You're making me mad.”
DEFINE DESIRES
The second step is to figure out what you want from the relationship. Do you even want one? If not, is the not wanting genuine or is it just a mask for fear of rejection or fear of intimacy or any of a number of other fears? What, in an ideal world, would your relationship look like? Don’t worry about whether or not you’ll get what you want. You have no control over that anyway so completely ignore it.
If you want a close, healthy, loving, and meaningful relationship with your sister, don’t let “knowing” she’ll never go there or “knowing” how she’ll react to what you’re going to say or “knowing” what she thinks of you or “knowing” what she’s said when you’ve done something like this in the past interfere with acknowledging your true desire.
Remember, the point here isn’t to get what you want; the point is to reach for what you want. Life is not in the getting; it’s in the reaching. To put it a different way, if you live life only for outcomes, you’ll basically feel alive for 10 or 20 hours spread out across roughly 80 years of feeling like you never have enough. Life is a process because each outcome only leads to more process. Not to be completely morbid, but death is really the only outcome of life. So live for the process because living for the outcome is, truly, living for death.
ACT
Finally, go get what you want. The next time your sister says hurtful things to you, instead of getting angry, tell her how you feel. Strong emotions are the language of your fear. Speak, instead, from your desire. “When you say those hurtful things, it really makes me sad because I want a close and loving relationship with you. Is that something you want too?”
Her answer may not be what you want. It may, instead, be, “Fuck you – you’re the problem” or “Yeah, but only if you do x, y, and z – then we can be close” or “Stop being dumb” or any of a number of other possible negative answers. No matter what she says, cool your emotion then speak from your desire. Remember, she’s no different than you are. If you just discovered that your anger was about you and not her, then it’s not much of a stretch that her anger is about her and not you. She may be a step or so behind you. Fine - that’s her journey. All you can do is offer what you want and be true to who you are.
So some possible answers to the above: “You’re right. I’m culpable for my part in where our relationship is now. I’ve treated you badly in the past and said some terrible things to you. I don’t want this to be our relationship anymore. Do you want to try to move forward?” “I’m not sure at this point whether I’ll be able to do x, y, and z. It may very well turn out that you need those things and I’m unable to give them to you. I don’t know, but I’d like to try to move forward and see if we can’t become really close with each other. Is that something you’d like to do too?” “Well, if you ever decide that you’d like for us to have a different, closer relationship, please know that I want that too and am open to talking about it anytime you want.”
Act from your desire instead of reacting from your fear. You may not get the outcome you want. You may get the outcome then discover you don’t want it. You may get it and be ecstatic. Regardless, the one guarantee is that you will NEVER get it if you don’t try. And striving for your goals, I believe, is living.
Niiice. But I have a question. What if you're the kind of person who feels very little emotion? What if NOT feeling is your defense? So, instead of having the emotion reaction, you just kind of detach?
Just throwing a thoughtful spanner into the works...
Reply to this
Detachment IS a strong emotion. Numbness is the flip side of anger. There are two ways to identify detachment versus genuinely not being moved by something:
First, with detachment, there's a moment in which you weren't detached and then a moment in which you were. That moment might be proceeded by a jolt of sadness, for example, then a kind of wave of "not caring." But there a shift - you went from being present with the person to ceasing to be present with them.
Second, after the fact, both to yourself and to others (if you discuss the incident), you talk about it in terms of your not caring. "I got pissed for a second but let it go - that's just Alan I guess!" "He said blah blah blah and you know what? I'm fine with it."
One purity test: is your disconnection the kind you might have about your 4-year-old when he or she has a flip-out about having to go to bed? The purity here is that you may feel for your child - and feel some agitation yourself in dealing with your child - but it doesn't stick. The reason you would never go into that unaffected calm is that you don't need to with your child whereas you might feel you need to with someone else in your life. To use the above example, would you ever say of your 4-year-old, "Lindsay didn't want to go to sleep at 8:30. I got really pissed for a second but let it go - that's just Lindsay I guess!" or "Lindsay said she didn't want to go to sleep and you know what? I'm fine with it."
It goes back to the first step I mentioned in the blog - define the current-day truth of your relationship. "Alan says blah blah blah. All I hear is criticism. I detach. I tell myself I'm feeling nothing but there's usually some sadness around it. I'm sad because I'm afraid our relationship might be ending. I think I tune him out so I won't have to face that." or "I detach when Alan talks because all I hear is criticism. But maybe he senses my detachment and is using cruelty as a way of getting through to me. Why am I really in this relationship? Am I here for [reason x] and does he sense I'm shutting him down? Have I created a circumstance where the only connection he can make to me is through cruelty?"
Your strong emotion - or strong lack of emotion (which is really the same thing as a strong emotion) - is trying to tell you something. It's not telling you to run; it's telling you to listen.
P.S. Detachment mutes emotion. Thus "I'm a little annoyed" + detachment = rage. "I was sad for 2 seconds" + detachment = crushed.
Reply to this
What if you detached sister won't listen?
Reply to this
I don't know the circumstances with you and your sister or what you're looking for in your relationship. However, if you're looking for closeness and feel pushed away, speak that - speak about what YOUR desires and not about HER problems. The phrasing for that looks like this: "When you [her action], I feel [your emotion] because [your desire] and [your problem]." For example, "When you don't return my calls, I feel sad because I want to be close to you, and I don't know how to do that without your participation."
And then let it go. Express yourself, express what you want, then cut yourself some slack if you don't get the outcome you want. Communicate the best you know how and be proud of yourself for trying.
Reply to this
I really think I did express myself. But now she has not spoke to me in months. She appears to really not "need" me or any real close relationship. So how do I let go? How do I have my daughters not know their cousins? She is really ok with moving on without her sister.(She never really wanted a close relationship growing up). So let go? Wait for her? Or just let go? It is so hurtful that she does not have concern for me or her nieces. Her kids love mine also, but she doesn't care if our kids see each other. What now? Thank you for listening.
Reply to this
and to add one more thing....She was fine with having our closeness as long as I was willing to keep providing it. It is only when I really started to want her to give back is when she shut down. (I wanted our relationship to change and grow a bit). I think she liked having the closeness we shared by now that it is gone..she could take or leave it. I feel like she threw "the baby out with the bath water".
Reply to this
I can imagine how painful this must be for you, but here is the unpleasant truth: you have ZERO control over your sister's behavior. If you've expressed yourself and told her what you wanted and she won't give it to you... there's nothing you can do. Realize this, if this is the way she's treating you, this is, in all likelihood, the way she's treating everyone. In other words, it's not personal. It's a global thing for her - she doesn't know how to connect or is afraid to connect or won't connect for any of a million other reasons. But it's not just you; it's everyone.
Another way to look at it is that she's connecting with you in the only way she knows how. The way she's treating you is literally the best she's capable of right now in her life. I hear that it's not enough for you, but I'm guessing it's all she has.
For your end, you need to do the math for yourself of how much you can give without resenting her for not giving back. For example, maybe you drop the kids off or bring her kids over and limit your contact with her so you don't get hurt.
Release your expectations, acknowledge the reality of what she, forgive her for not being the sister you want her to be, and move on. The only outcome you can control is one that involves solely you.
Reply to this
Your information has been quite helpful, but my problem is that I have never been that good at math. How do I find that balance were we can talk and the kids can play, but I don't resent her? (because I do). I don't like that I resent her, but I indeed do. It is like she is detached enough for her, but yet still wants others to give to her. I end up feeling quite confused in this relationship. I think I tricked myself as adult thinking she was different than she was growing up. I have tried to talk to her about it, but it does not work. It is quite sad she can not hear me.
Reply to this
I know this is going to be an unsatisfactory answer, but here it is: SHE doesn't have the problem; YOU do. You're the one who's unhappy, frustrated, perhaps resentful. This - not her detachment - is the real problem. And the only one who can solve this problem... is you. They are your feelings after all. Your relationship is not the issue; how you're managing your feelings about the relationship is the issue. It's not a satisfying answer I know because you want the relationship to be different and I'm suggesting that what needs to be different is your feelings and perspective on that relationship. Right now, you're trying to mold a lump of titanium by pounding it with your fists. The titanium isn't going to change shape (but probably isn't going anywhere either). Quit punching it as I would imagine that really hurts!
Reply to this
ok. I am on board with everything you are saying. How do I start again with her with a new perspective on my end? You are right-she is saying this is who I am and I will not change. Now it is up to me. How do I start? She did not respond to the letter I wrote her over 3 months ago. But I don't want to just call her and fall right back into our old patterns. This is what typically happens I give into the relationship, it works for awhile, then, she doesn't give back = resentment. This relationship is so unfulfilling on my end it is almost like I have to "fake it" when I am around her. Almost "pretend" or just "get through" our visits. That is just gross on my end. I know I am probably driving you crazy, but what new behavior can I do to manage my feelings with her? How can a start a new way of "being" with my sister? I slower easier way to reconnect? I don't even think we can have a cup of coffee together at this point.
How do people have healthy relationships with those who detach? Is it even possible? Detachers are letting go so...maybe I let go too?? Are detached people narcissistic? She does not seem to have a lot of empathy for anyone really. It would feel bad on my end to stop talking to my sister, but I just don't like her (did I ever like her?? or did I tell myself I did just to have a big sister). oh help! please advise!!!
Reply to this
I'm going to give you a general answer because the specifics of how you manage acceptance is particular to you - meaning, if you're having trouble working through it on your own, you might think about talking to a therapist to help you through this process.
In general - and I can't speak in your case here - there are two steps to take in zeroing a relationship. First, there's separating your issues from her behavior. Forget about her for a moment; do YOU have issues in general with people ignoring you? With feeling invisible? Not heard? Etc. Given where your feelings are at this point and your difficulty letting this go, it may be that this relationship with your sister is a focal point for long-buried issues related to, say, parental detachment when you were growing up. Identifying your place in your feelings is the first step. The second is forgiveness - forgiving her for being who she is and doing what she does and forgiving yourself for the same. If you find that your feelings generalize beyond your sister, meaning similar behavior from other people sets you off in similar ways, then view your sister as an opportunity because, when you can finally approach her and feel at peace, you'll know something larger within you has been healed.
Reply to this